Have Help. Will Fly.

Signs that summer is coming to an end are apparent. School buses once line the streets again, taking the newly sharpened number 2 pencils, fresh notebooks, and white tennis shoes to and fro. Leaves are beginning to cover the sidewalks. The light is getting longer, more yellow, in the mornings and evenings. Was summer ever here? There's nothing like having a baby to take you into a complete time-warp. 3 months ago (has it really already been 3 whole months?!?) we welcomed Ethan into our lives, and my life...my life? While it sometimes feels nonexistent it is the best it's ever been. I am slowly starting to do more and more for myself again. I joined an athletic club that has childcare. We've gone twice and I watch my phone like a hawk, ready to pounce at the sign he might need me. But he's always swinging contentedly when I return. An hour of not thinking every little sound is him calling me is a nice break for my nerves. And I've read a book. Well, almost read a book. I plan to finish it at the gym today. 

While it's a heart-warming and challenging story about civil rights and women breaking down barriers, I'm sad to say that lines in society still exist. While we have made wonderful progress, there is still much to be done. My perspective on the world has suddenly shifted dramatically since having a baby, quite without any warning. My once care-free and indestructible attitude has now turned to fear and panic. What if something happens to me? What if I get cancer and die too early? What if something happens to Ethan? I never would recover. I couldn't protect him if... I want to hide him from the world. From prejudices, racism, harm. I want to never see his smile fade or tears soak his cheeks because of cruelty. And I know that will never happen.

So what can I hope for then? I pray he learns in the midst of the world mercy, kindness, and generosity. I pray his heart be loyal, gentle, and pure. I guess what I'm trying to say is: you can't have rainbows without the rain. My little boy will encounter great adversity and all I can do is rock him, put on a Band-Aid and kiss the wound. This is going to be such a hard lesson for me to learn. I know now what my mother felt when she would look at us with tears in her eyes and say it was because she loved us so much. A mother's protective instinct is fierce. Yet like the birds, she still pushes them out of the nest, knowing they might fall, but will one day learn to fly. My little Ethan was born with wings, and I know he will one day soar. It will be the happiest and scariest day of my life. I just pray I have the privilege to watch it.

**By the way...that feather we found in our yard from a hawk that has been living in the treetops somewhere behind our house. I can hear his cries as I type this. There are so many new bird and insect sounds here in Atlanta. I feel like I'm in the middle of a jungle!

Comments

[Jolene]

This is beautiful.